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Sex Quotes. Monday. 1.26.04 5:14 pm I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. - Gary Shandling I tried phone sex once. I got an ear infection. - Richard Lewis Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed. - George Carlin Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. - George Burns I was on stage last night talking. I said, "You know the diaphragm is a pain in the ass." Someone yelled out, "You are putting it in the wrong place." - Carole Montgomery As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax...you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients," but another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian.'" - Dick Wilson Ducking for apples; change one letter and it's the story of my life. - Dorothy Parker Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason She should get a divorce and settle down. - Jack Parr That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. - Dorothy Parker Too fucking busy, and vice versa. - Dorothy Parker She's been on more laps than a napkin. - Walter Winchell I'd rather she'd used me for sex. Using me for my mind really bothered me. - Carl Jacobs 0 Comments. Name. URL. [to enter your email, use "mailto:youremail@domain.com"] Subject. Comment. Word verification. Copy the first 4 characters only. If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.